Ah've got Holby City tae thank for mah miracle cure

Aye, despite the wishfu’ thinking o’ the neds oan the steps o’ Lanark Sheriff Court, ah’m still breathing efter four lang months o’ - tae use the technical Scottish medical phrase - hingin’ by a threed.

Although ah fear mah days as an Olympic weightlifter and 100m sprinter are ower, ah’m weel enough tae resume mah toil and may ah state right aff that ah wid not have made it back withoot all the incredibly kind messages o’ goodwill ah received while ah was aff. Thanks pals.

Noo, afore we were rudely interrupted, ye might recall this pairt o’ the Gazzy was reserved fur mah observations frae being oot and aboot roaming Clydesdale’s streets, constantly oan the look-oot for somewan tae offer tae buy me a drink. (Soon tae be filmed as a Hollywood blockbuster, ‘Bar Trek; The Search For Tick’)

However, as ah’ve been under medical hoose arrest these mony weeks past, ah huvanae had a chance tae collect new material frae mah usual source; ie; rudely earwigging ither folks’ conversations.

For yon past months mah only contact wae the ootside world was through the screen o’ mah telly.

Noo, ah’m no’ wan o’ yon folk who see conspiracies everywhaur but ah’m convinced the government is in cahoots wae the telly companies tae fill their daytime programme schedules wae pure mince.

This, ah suspect, is in order tae drive the workshy and feckless intae accepting ONY job offer, even that o’ Mexican branch secretary o’ the Donald Trump Fan Club, just tae escape the boredom.

Aye, and it’s no’ quality stuff is yir afternoon telly. For example ah watched wan o’ yon cod science shows which claimed that hydrogen gas wis the maist inflammabile thing oan the planet while we all ken fine weel that it’s actually the Glescae School o’ Art.

Then there’s yon endless antiques and property shows. Efter four months watching yon ah’ve turned intae Lanark’s answer tae Lovejoy and can noo also accurately estimate the price o’ a north-facing three bedroom fermhoose in Surrey tae the last quid.

Byrraway, ah’ve noted frae yon property shows the humungous gap betwixt the hoose prices in the Sooth East o’ England and here inBonnie Caledonia.

Maist o’ the hoosehunting couples hae “ a budget of only £750,000” (mark yon “only”), the proceeds o’ selling a wan bedroom single-end in Chelsea which they use tae buy the whole o’ Clackmannanshire..

There’s also yon modern versions o’ Victorian freak shows wae terrifying titles like “The Boy Who Gave Birth To His Own Granny”, “The Man With Three Bahookies” and even “The Aberdonian Who Left a Tip”.

Then there’s the cookery shows, again aimed at wealthy folks in London. Wan “economical” recipe actually started : “Take any leftover lobster you have out the fridge...” Aye right... However, the final straw that drove me back tae work wis the rash o’ medical shows oan all day, every day; Inside the Ambulance, The Doctors, Holby City, Casualty, etc, etc. Ah got tae thinking that if ah watched ony more o’ this stuff, ah’ll either end up a fully qualified surgeon or in Carstairs State Hospital as a patient. So, you could say that, in a way, it wis the guid auld NHS that cured me!