SH** JOB SH** PAY TATTOOS OPTIONAL

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An aspiring restaurateur choose an unconventional way to recruit for his new diner, destined to hit Clarkston in early July. He warns the pay’s sh** at no more than £7 per hour and only part of any tips, working in a “kitchen the size of a closet”. The lucky new recruit will have to put up with the owner’s wife but, on the plus side, they can order their own food at wholesale prices.

For the full advert, see Gumtree.

The no-holds-barred tough talking American warns prospective candidates about working with his wife, who he says is “the real boss”.

Dictating strictly no time wasters, the ad reads: “If your idea of a good sandwich is a tuna mayo like your gran makes then please don’t bother responding. Seriously. Last time I was hiring for a place, I got over 400 CVs. You know how long it takes to read 400 CVs? Too damned long. So don’t waste anyone’s time. I need a second-in-command to bang out a ton of semi-fancy food in a kitchen the size of a closet, and you also have to put up with my wife because I do, and she’s the real boss.

As a half-handed positive, the ad continues: “On the plus side there’s a second, smaller kitchen downstairs so there’s somewhere to hide from us both and still be productive.”

It carries on: “The money is sh**. It’s £7/hour and a cut of the tips. Don’t ask for more because I don’t have it. You’ll literally be making more than me because I am essentially working for free until the place is paid off.

Another carrot is proferred to anyone who is still interested in applying for the post: “I’ll also let you order food for yourself at wholesale cost to compensate for the pay. That’s the best I can do. I’m dead serious about the money thing. Don’t come to an interview and then say it sounds great but you’ve got your kid’s school clothes to buy or whatever. I don’t care. There’s no money. There’s £7/hr and some tips, 25-35 hours a week. Deal with it. I’m working 60 hours for half that.

Pay is bi-weekly with tips doled out on the off weeks.

And the menu? The ad states: “Now, about the food: It’s a free-for-all. Seriously. I’m calling it an “American Diner” because I’m American and it’s a diner but there’s sumac, harissa, n’duja, compotes, mooli, shakshuka, mussels, haggis, Greek yogurt, Vietnamese coffee, hoisin, fish sauce, a dehydrator, labneh, kimchi. You have no idea what I’m talking about? Then please, PLEASE, don’t apply for this job. I have way too much sh** to do in the next six weeks to be interviewing people I’m never going to hire.

“I don’t care if you’ve got tattoos. I don’t care if you only work in kitchens to get away from your horrible significant other.

Send me a real cover letter too, if you’re the cover letter type. If you have one that says you’re a “hard-working team player that can also function well alone” and that you “value customer service and punctuality” I will stab myself in the face with a pencil and nobody will get a job. Be honest. Tell me what you want to do and why. Your actual strengths and weaknesses. I’m looking for real people with real ideas, not kids using a CV template they found online.

“If you think I sound like an obnoxious d***head, congratulations. You are observant and will go far in life. Don’t let it discourage you, though. I’m only a d***head for the first three years you know me. After that I’m a total sweetheart.”